The Pitfalls of Mother-Dominant Upbringing for Budding Life Artists
A trend I have noticed in my students is the number of men coming out of mother-dominant households who need game training and life coaching. This week I focus on two students in particular. One student is a college student who has not really had a relationship with his biological father and has had a mother who eventually married his stepfather. The second is a student whose parents are together, but the mother is the dominant moneymaker and decisionmaker in the family. Both students have similar patterns to their behavior and brings up some general points for men who have been raised in mother-dominant households.
One of the paradoxes of being a well-adjusted male and comfortable in social situations and with women is that in order to become loving and comfortable with women, it requires becoming loving and comfortable with one man in your life. Your father. Now this does not take forgiveness for serious wrongs that have been done. However in order to love women completely, you have to love your father or at least respect him… flaws and all. (In order to be a firm heterosexual, it takes a homosexual love of your father to get there. Weird right? But true. No, not gay love, but love and respect for the way your father did things).
The college-aged student who never really knew his father realizes his father did make attempts at reconciling and getting to know him later. However since it was late in his teens he states, “What’s the use?” Knowing from my own situation and divorce, many times it is not the father’s fault that he cannot see his kids. Sometimes it is the unfair system that prevents fathers from being custodial or joint custody parents. Sometimes it’s the circumstances. Sometimes it’s fate. Sometimes it’s financial. But I have yet to find a father who doesn’t regret not seeing his kids, unless there is a vice taking his attention away far stronger than family ties. (Drugs, alcohol, work, women). A respect of the fact that he was able to father you is one step in the positive. At least you know he had the ability to replicate. However in not seeing any redeeming qualities in his own father, there comes a bad reflection on his own self… In not loving his father, he refuses to love a part of himself, and this limits his ability to love others and be social. Men who cannot see ANY redeeming qualities in their own father look at a part of themselves, their genetics that have been transferred, as flawed. This is by no means true, but without any love whatsoever for their fathers, men in this situation have a hard time accepting everything about them as positive and lovable.
Student two had both his parents remain married. However his mother was the breadwinner in the family as a physician. Dad was very social in public, but in the household was much more reserved, at home, and did not stand up for himself much. There was the threat of divorce at one point in the relationship. With that threat the mom inoculated this student with disdain for his father. She emphasized how he didn’t work, he didn’t make money, and was worthless, and he carried that disdain in his head for his whole life. A child in this situation is taught to hate his father for his lack of maniliness. Similar to the first student, this student had a hard time looking at his father with love and respect. In fact he could say nothing kind about him and almost blamed his father for his difficulties in life just as his mother did.
However after the age of 18, when a man is independent, his difficulties in life should be blamed on himself from that point on in order to have the self love to improve and break away from any family curses.
This student had had difficulty closing despite having much game instruction and several professional bootcamps under his belt. He had also been to a same-night lay seminar in which most of the students closed that weekend. He was one of the few that did not and came to me for answers. My answer was simple. Again, in order to love himself enough to love others, he had to find a love for his dad… otherwise he would never understand WHY he was seen as such a weakling in his mother’s eyes, and why his mother constantly berates his father to him, and why he was constantly parroting his mother’s statements about his father.
When I went through my divorce, my ex-wife tried similar tactics with my kids. She tried to convince her lover whom she was having an affair with that I wasn’t a man, and that he needed to take over the fatherhood of my children because I wasn’t an adequate father. She once sent my son to Christian day school with an assignment called, “About me” which was a collage of his life. In that collage a picture of the man she was having an affair with appeared and I was nowhere to be found. She was trying to castrate me from my children. Luckily I had a good lawyer and fought long and hard to bankruptcy to keep joint custody of my kids so that she would not be able to brainwash my kids into thinking I was a weak father. However, now looking back and understanding the situation, it is easy to see why a woman goes to such lengths. She wants the children to hate the father so she can keep some security through child support financially, and child support from the children themselves socially. By having the kids on her side it helps guarantee the kids will stay with her in case one parent moves away or if the father tries to get full custody. By having the kids on her side, she won’t lose the kids to the father.
However some men are not in a position to fight, financially or emotionally. They fear loss of their wives, loss of their manhood etc. so go along with the demands of the woman. In the children’s eyes, they could have done better, especially if mom is telling them constantly day in and day out that they have a weak father who doesn’t fight for them.
If a life artist wants to get beyond this filter, they have to really meditate on the past and what was really happening. For student two we went through some deep discussions about the hateful statements he was making about his father constantly. When he finally saw that there was a trend to his statements being congruent with his mother’s thoughts, he realized the truth. He was put in a position to choose sides, and had hated his father for being weak to his mother only because his mother taught him to feel this way. We delved into ways he could appreciate and love his father. Once he saw the filter put up before him through his mother in the way he saw his father, he lifted that filter and understood the part he played in his parents’ near divorce. Without that filter up any longer, he could fully love and respect his father. Once he was able to fully love and respect his father, he was able to fully love and respect HIMSELF much more deeply and wholly than without the love of his father. In loving his father, he could finally love the genetic components and mannerisms and soul he possessed that were handed down from his father, and allow him to share that part of himself with others, women and men alike. Once he was able to openly share that part of himself with others, he felt MUCH more attractive and the rest is history. THe best kiss close he ever had (2 makeouts with a woman he just met) finally came to be, and he is on the road to a good meaningful relationship or f close in the future. More importantly though, his filters are CLEAR of any false thoughts about his father.
His last relationship with a womanprior to getting into game was 3-years running with no sex until he threatened leaving. The woman was dominant. He wanted someone like his mom who wouldn’t take his shit. However in that process he did find a dominant woman who was just like his mom… and he became his dad. She was a behaviorist who tried to control his behavior and refused sex with him.
If you find yourself looking for a dominant woman, many times it is for this reason… mom was dominant or you don’t want the girl to take your shit because your dad was too dominant. Either way, it is because of some hatred or disgust with your father. Once you get away from this hate and disgust from your father, you can find the women that do not look down on you or loathe you, but instead those women who love you in mutually beneficial, positive situations.
Do you find yourself not moving forward with women because you don’t want to act like your father did if he was abusive? Do you not want to be more sexual because your dad had sex in affairs? Do you find yourself unable to close with women when everyone else around you is succeeding? Many times it is this very inner game problem that will not clear up until you love something about your father, or at least accept his “flaws”. Many guys look at their dads as flawed, but those flaws are sometimes him surviving and replicating back to hunter-gatherer systems of thought rather than the thought of monogamy that has been socially programmed.
Student one is still looking for some sense of reconciliation with his father. Once he does his game will skyrocket. However until then he will question 1/2 of the genetic makeup he has, thus questioning if he truly is attractive if there are characteristics of his father in himself.
Wikipedia’s explanation of the Oedipal Complex helps explain this phenomena partially.
Classical theory holds that “resolution” of the Oedipus complex takes place through identification with the parent of the same sex and (partial) temporary renunciation of the parent of the opposite sex; the opposite-sex parent is then “rediscovered” as the growing person’s adult sexual object.
In classical theory, people who are fixated at the Oedipal level are “mother-fixated” or “father-fixated”, and reveal this by choosing sexual partners who are discernible surrogates for their parent(s).
So many men in mother-dominant households show mother-fixated levels of attachment. In doing so they choose women that will lead and dominate, which most students of life game will state causes the women to be overall dissatisfied since they all want someone to lead or take control.
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